Hello. I’m writing out of desperation. I’ve been through some traumatic experiences: domestic violence, abandonment, loss, fear… I’ve become a beautiful woman, in the eyes of others, with everything I need to be successful, fulfilled and happy. Because of my past and my traumas, I became a very anxious, panic-stricken person who easily fell in love with the wrong people and places, creating emotional dependence and dreams that never came true. Whilst all I wanted was to feel loved, happy and to build something beautiful, I kept encountering lies, omissions, betrayals and the narcissistic personalities of those on whom I became completely dependent. In my quest for perfection so that I might be loved, and in the absence of self-love and love from others, I kept creating quick fixes to cover up my pain and my emptiness. The only control I felt in my life was when I had some money in my hand and bought something. The act of buying meant I could control something in my life and give myself pleasure, a pleasure that quickly passed, leaving a trail of self-destruction and regret. But it became an addiction and a vicious circle, and to fill my emotional void, I kept taking out loans to pay off loans, and so on. Today I am more mentally balanced, I am in therapy and looking for a new direction in my life, but I am trapped by debts I can no longer pay. The creditors refuse to help me and I have no one else to turn to. My mother helped me as much as she could, but there is always some extra expense, and I am back in the dark again, and this time I have no one to turn to. I’m thinking of selling my house to pay off everything I owe and start from scratch, but my house is the only thing I’ve managed to achieve on my own through the sweat of my labour… The fact that my mortgage payments have doubled has also made the situation much more complicated, and I fear that, on top of my personal loans, I might also default on my mortgage. But I’m willing to do anything if I can’t find another solution, even if it means living on a campsite for a while. Dark thoughts have been crossing my mind; I feel shame, humiliation; I feel that in 39 years I’ve managed to build nothing, only destroy. And all because I just wanted to feel love… But I don’t blame anyone. I am to blame for my irresponsibility, for biting off more than I could chew and not realising that one day this might happen, when I’d find myself truly alone with no one to turn to. This is my last attempt before I lose the rest of my dignity, before I give up on living like this. In fear. In suffocation. In total panic. I beg you, for God’s sake, to help me pay what I owe so I can try to regain my health and start living again. I just want to pay everything I owe and not be in arrears every month… And at least be able to buy food. My job can no longer cover everything. My addiction, born of my suffering, has brought me to this point and I am desperate… Help me to start living again. It may be too late to live out my dreams, start a family, have a home, but not too late to live in balance, look after myself and learn to love myself, above all else. Help me…