Listen, dear contributor, if you're reluctant to pull out your credit card to support my digital sanctuary, let me paint you a picture. The world out there is a cosmic swindle. Do you want to spend €60 on a restaurant for two where you're served frozen METRO food reheated by a chef who's forgotten what dignity is? Go ahead, enjoy your defrosted fillet of hake while Madame makes you understand that she's here for the pigeon, not the passion. I'll do you one better: for the price of a Starbucks coffee, you'll pay for a space where I'll dissect Final Fantasy X with the fervour of a copyist monk and the bad faith of a bar reviewer.

And let's talk about OnlyFans. You pay €15 a month for an influencer to wink at you while her Chad does her off-camera? The result? You're broke, you've learned nothing, and all you've done is feed the ego of a chick who despises you. With L'Onaniste Vidéoludique, your money goes into something concrete: columns chiselled like haikus, analyses of obscure games that will make you rediscover your PS2, and a big middle finger to Yann Moix, that snob who thinks pixels are the enemy of literature. I'm telling you that a good JRPG is Proust with chocobos.

And Netflix? Pff, a wokism factory that throws you series where the villain is always a straight white guy and the script seems to have been written by a feminist with short blue hair. I'm here to give you authentic stories, written with guts and a worn-out keyboard, where I tell you why Shadow of the Colossus made me cry on a futon at 3am. No cancel culture here, just a guy who loves video games the way you love a demanding lover: secretly, passionately, and without sharing.

Let's face it, life isn't some JRPG where you can earn XP to escape your problems. France Travail is my personal nemesis, with an advisor who, let's be honest, has to make up for a love life in paid DLC with a bureaucratic zeal that would make a Dark Souls boss tremble. My life is that of a guy trying to survive in a world where France Travail has decided that the native Frenchman is open bar for administrative harassment. Meanwhile, the 'chances for France' - you know, that expression attributed to Bernard Stasi or Alain Juppé, lovingly recycled by the poets on the JVC forum to refer to the riff-raff doing drifts in their BMWs in the car park of your Leclerc - they're living their best life. No surly councillor to beat the shit out of them, no threat of deregistration because they forgot to clock in at 8.03am. No, they can relax, while I have to juggle my passion for Xenogears with the summonses of my advisor, a Cerberus in a Zara suit who makes up for her frustrations by making me sweat.

So why your money? Because this blog, L'Onaniste Vidéoludique, is my barricade. My secret dungeon. My way of saying fuck it to the system that wants to put me back in an open space sorting out useless Excel spreadsheets (another pleonasm) while others are having the time of their lives. For a few euros, you're not just financing a blog: you're financing an aesthetic revolt.

If I go back to work full-time to escape his harassment, goodbye blog, goodbye reviews of Vagrant Story or that Finnish point & click where you play a depressed lighthouse. Your funding is my mana potion: it gives me time to write, to explore digital worlds, and to deliver texts that smell of life, not press releases.

And let's face it, mate isn't cheap. I've opted for this South American herb (for its truly effective effects, unlike coffee), which costs more than a Genshin Impact skin. If I want to continue sipping my mate while dissecting Persona 3's art direction, I need you. Not to buy myself a yacht, but to keep my freedom as a solo gamer, away from open spaces and TEAMS meetings where you're sold a bill of goods.

And above all, to continue trolling employers with my CV, which includes the following quote: "The pleasure of a real salesman is selling to people who have absolutely no need for what you're offering them, or who can't afford it. When these two factors come together, that's when the sport begins! - Jean-Pierre Marielle "

• Hard-hitting content: At least one review a week, on finished games, not just skimmed over like a trainee at Jeux Vidéo Magazine. JRPGs, point & clicks, forgotten nuggets, or even digressions on a manga or film that turned my head.
• Style, damn it: not the bland prose of an underpaid editor. My texts are velvet and vitriol, sentences that dance like a Kingdom Hearts boss and sting like a review of your last game of Sekiro.
• A community of hermits: This blog is for gamers who, like you, would rather lose themselves in a dungeon than in a Tinder chat. We're aesthetes, melancholics, poets of game over.
• Thumbing your nose at mainstream culture: By supporting this blog, you're saying "screw Yann Moix", screw the videogame press that recycles Ubisoft previews, and screw all those who think gaming is for teenagers or losers. We're going to show them that you can love Chrono Trigger and Stendhal, and do it with panache.
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You don't have to sell a kidney. A few euros a month is enough to keep me writing, drinking mate and dodging the clutches of France Travail. Go to 4fund.com, search for L'Onaniste Vidéoludique, and do something for the cause of lone gamers. Because honestly, what's worth more: a restaurant where you pay for fish and chips, or a blog that reminds you why you cried at the end of Final Fantasy IX?

Come on, join me in the shadows. We'll play alone, but together.