I’m deeply interested in psychology, so I can describe a lot of what happened to me but they’re just words. I can’t emotionally grasp it or feel compassion for myself.

I feel dehumanized, like something that can be stepped over, looked through, forgotten. Like my boundaries never even existed. I don’t know how to express the extent of the weight of everything I’m going through feels far too much for me to handle. I really need help and this is the first time in my life I’ve ever had the courage to ask for it.

The girl on the picture is me in my childhood. I can't say this is me when I was a kid because I never felt like a child. I wasn’t treated like one.

I was treated like I was somehow broken, like I was supposed to take care of myself, raise myself from the very first day on this earth.

So I did. Everyone was indifferent to my needs and even make me feel evil for having them. I stopped having needs. I erased them.

I performed for everyone, acted like I knew so much, like I could handle everything.

I never really had it together but for long time I thought that I had. I was a cyborg not a child. I silenced my authenticity. I silenced the little girl inside me.

I ignored her needs, just like everyone else did.

I’m 22, and my body is finally waking up from that frozen state.

Her pain the pain that’s been buried for so many years is now screaming through me. Through my body.

I used to think I was emotionally mature from a young age.

But the truth is, I just dissociated.

I was like a robot, or a zombie.

I killed that little girl.

The pain that comes in waves now is sometimes otherworldly.

I was frozen for too long.

And now it’s unbearable and yet somehow so familiar.

It’s a reminder that things were never okay.

That it’s always hurt this much.

And now that I’ve fully realized what was done to me and what I’ve continued to do to myself I can’t go on like this. I can’t keep hurting myself.

The person closest to me. My partner.

In truth, has never seen me.

Because he doesn’t see himself, too.

He’s frozen, too.

But he doesn’t experience what I do yet.

But I know it’s coming for him too.

He had a similar childhood, and I always saw so much of myself in him.

Only now am I starting to realize what that really meant.

But this part of me that’s been shut down for so long...

she experiences his lack of care and closed heart like a fresh death every time she remembers it. We argue a lot because I regress from all this pain.

And when I’m not hurting outwardly, I freeze and

don’t really participate in life I just pretend to.

And my body is getting more and more exhausted.

Just like that little girl.

And I hate her. I hate my aliveness.

I can't help her. I can't help myself.

The person who matters to me the most dismisses me, my feelings, my needs, my struggles.

I don’t know how to treat myself any differently.

So I turn away from myself too. And the cycle begins again.

Until eventually I’ll burn out from all the stress.

I can’t do it anymore.

I don’t want to keep hurting myself or my partner.

Even if he acts like he doesn’t care, I know he does.

I’ve been there. I did the same thing shut down, disconnected.

I need to take a break from my partner for some time or maybe longer.

However, I am completely dependent because I have nowhere else to go.

Even if I could afford to stay in a hotel, I am terribly afraid to sleep alone especially now, at this moment in my life when I am incredibly vulnerable. I feel danger everywhere. I need money for therapy, medication, food for myself, and to pay my partner for the room, as if we were just roommates. I can’t go to work. Not now. But I want to be independent from anyone for at least two months and focus on myself. If I be dependent I will more likely regress to little child. Please help me become independent for a while so that I can truly stand on my own. Otherwise, I won’t manage. I can’t do it completely alone, and I feel the loneliest when I’m with those closest to me. With the money, I want to be able to be there for myself, to find myself again, and not feel so utterly alone. I don't want to hate myself for any longer.

I need someone anyone to care, even a little. That I am not alone in this world. It is scary. I can't be for myself. I can’t be there for myself when at every step my closest people remind me that I’m not important.

In those moments, I hate myself like like there’s no mercy, and at the same time, I tremble with fear of myself and the energy of hatred that flows from me to myself.

I can’t hug that little girl inside me. Let her die, she doesn’t matter. She is the one to blame the reason why no one wanted her no one treated her like a living being.

With money I can try to give myself the space to be with myself.

To care for this little girl inside me.

To show her maybe for the first time

that she matters.

It's not just money. You will give me the right to live. The right to be important, to see the human in myself and to look at myself with kindness.

'Someone is investing in my well-being.' I can't describe how truly happy this thought makes me feel. It makes me truly feel what I needed when I wan kid. That I am important and taken care of.

This means everything to me and I really mean everything because I am so scared that I might be abandoned again.